Breathless
by Dragonflysoul
Summary: Bozer and Riley struggle to help their friend while knowing what he really needed was his helicopter parent. Post S3 finale. PTSD, panic attacks, team as family


**Title:** Breathless

**Author:** dragonfly

**Tags:** grief, PTSD, nightmares, helplessness, Best Friend Bozer, anguish, sorrow, worry, tears, so many tears, team, team as family, bromance, angst, drama, post season three finale, panic attacks, PapaJack, worried everyone

**Rating:** PG

**Characters:** MacGyver, Bozer, Riley, Jack

**Relationships:** Bozer and MacGyver, Jack and MacGyver, Bozer and Jack, Bozer and Riley, Riley and Jack, Riley and MacGyver

**Summary:** Bozer and Riley struggle to help their friend while knowing what he really needed was his helicopter parent.

**A/N: Spoilers for season three. **

**A/N: **Most, if not all of us are aware that MacGyver isn't coming back until 2020 and with fewer episodes. It's time to Improvise. Please join us for Operation Improvise on Sept 27th. Let's raise MacGyver up like the Phoenix it is! Info and link on my profile!

~*~M~*~

Bozer bolted awake and stumbled out of bed at the cry. He moved on instinct, adrenaline and deeply ingrained worry. The nightmares had been a regular occurrence the past week, but he'd never get used to them. He'd never get used to his best friend making that sound. Sometimes he'd have to wake MacGyver when they refused to release their hold. Sometimes he'd find him like he did now; on the floor clutching his chest and fighting for breath.

"Mac!" Turning on the light and running into the room, Bozer dropped next to him. "You're all right. It's all right." He knew better than to touch him, but his hands hovered close. "It's just a panic attack. You just gotta breathe, all right? Just breathe."

Eyes squeezed shut, hunched over himself on his knees, MacGyver struggled to get a breath in, but his airway was too tight: his body rebelling at everything he's been bottling up and pushing back down in it.

"You're home. It's just you and me here." Bozer used words he's heard Jack say, words he used a lot when they first got back from Afghanistan and MacGyver was having trouble adjusting. He woke up having panic attacks then, too. "You're all right. We're both all right."

Bozer loved MacGyver; he was his brother, _family_ and he'd do anything for him, but what he wouldn't give to have Jack back. Jack could always reach a part of him that even Bozer was closed off to. "That's it. There you go," he encouraged as he finally took a full breath and then another.

MacGyver collapsed back against his bed. "I–I'm okay," he gasped and released the grip he had over his chest with a shaky sigh.

"No." Clenching his jaw, Bozer shook his head. "No, you're not, man."

"Wha–" Though able to breathe easier now, MacGyver was still trying to catch his breath. "What are you talking about?"

"Come on, you know what I mean." Bozer stood; anger, worry and his own grief fueling him. He's tried to be supportive and understanding. Now it was time to be real. "You're not...you're not _dealing_. You're not _grieving._ What happened last week and everything this past year..._it's too much_, even for you. It would be too much for _anyone_, Mac and it's eating you up inside because you're not letting it _out_. You're so worried about _us_, about keeping everyone safe and holding yourself together that you're killing yourself."

MacGyver sighed and shakily pushed himself up to sit on his bed. "Boze, I'm fine, I'm _dealing_. What do you want from me?"

"I–I–I want you to _cry_, or, or _break_ something, or get drunk and turn the toaster into a cyborg puppy."

MacGyver's face scrunched up comically at the suggestion, even as his hand subconsciously pressed against his chest.

"I..." Bozer suddenly felt tired, so very tired. "I just want you to be okay, man. I want you to stop worrying about _us_ so much, and start taking care of _yourself._"

Eyes downcast, MacGyver continued to absently rubbed at his chest. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Bozer imagined it would be painful shoving as much as he had been down into that already overburdened heart. Listen..." He started, feeling as helpless as ever. While the ticking clock was loud in the hush of the night, his friend's silent pain was deafening. "I know with Jack away you're missing your Obi-Wan...but you still have me. You still have Riley and Matty and even Desi. Maybe." His face twisted with uncertainty. "I think."

"I know, Boze. _Really_. And thank you. I just..." MacGyver released a deep breath and washed a hand through his hair, shoulders dropping under the weight he carried. "I just need some time. And there's _a lot_ to do to make sure the Phoenix is secure, and I have to find Mason and–"

"See, that's where you're wrong. _We, __**We**_ have to find Mason. You're not alone in this, Mac."

"I know." Closing his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Like I said, man, I just need some time."

Bozer gave him a sad look, knowing exactly what he needed, and it wasn't just time: It was Bruce Willis marathons, an oddly comforting southern drawl, and a rather warm and squishy heart under a fiercely protective armor. What Mac needed was a steadying presence that didn't have to break down the walls he fortified...because he was already behind them.

"Think you can get some more sleep tonight?"

"I think..." MacGyver sighed and looked towards his bathroom. "I'm gonna take a shower."

He was covered in a fine sheen of sweat, but Bozer knew that wasn't the reason he wanted a shower: he was hoping it would help wake him up. "All right." He regarded his visibly wilting friend. "Let me at least get you something to drink first."

Resting his chin on his hand, MacGyver nodded with heavy-lidded eyes.

Bozer walked to the kitchen and fussed around with a few things before finally getting him a bottle of water. Barely two minutes had passed since he had stepped away, but he found his friend exactly as he had expected and hoped to: _asleep _with his head on the pillow and his legs hanging off the side of the bed.

He used to wander throughout the house at night; checking locks and windows after a nightmare and subsequent cold shower, then search every known and unknown database for signs of Mason. But Bozer had learned that if he could distract him from getting a shower long enough, he would just fall back to sleep.

With a sad smile and a heavy heart, he pulled the damp shirt MacGyver had taken off out of his grip and lifted his legs up onto the mattress. The fact that he didn't stir spoke volumes of his exhaustion.

Bozer couldn't imagine how he felt. He just couldn't. MacGyver had done everything he could to save Charlie, but it still wasn't enough; and it was his own possibly terminally ill father's decision that had led to Charlie's death. A decision that had ultimately saved MacGyver's life, but while robbing others' of their own.

And the psycho hellbent on revenge for that decision, and gunning for the people MacGyver loved, was still out there.

It was a lot of blows to take while trying to stand tall.

"Even Captain America needs a shield," Bozer mused softly as he covered him with a blanket. Unfortunately, Mac's shield was god-knows-where hunting down terrorists.

~*~M~*~

Another week and a half passed and MacGyver wasn't getting any better. In fact, he was getting worse and the bullet graze across his ribs from their latest attempt to locate Mason only had a little to do with it.

Something clanked onto the deck and Bozer heard MacGyver curse. He'd been out there all night "fixing" things Bozer was fairly certain weren't broken, and making things Bozer was _very_ certain didn't even have names.

Still, it was better than him running mile after mile until he practically collapsed into the front door. He'd been doing a lot of that lately...until he came back yesterday with pulled stitches and blood running down his side. Somehow his running shoes had ended up in the pool. Bozer suspected he didn't believe him when he told him rabid squirrels were responsible, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. They'd dry out. Eventually.

He was spreading peanut butter across a piece of toast when another clank and curse came from the deck. MacGyver's hands were less steady these days, but he wouldn't stop. There weren't enough paperclips in the world right now to calm his mind and help him think clearly; not of the typical kind, anyway. He had to do something, be doing _something. _

Closing his eyes, Bozer sighed and fisted his hands against the counter. It was a feeling he was all too familiar with...which was why he was making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on toast in the middle of the night. Neither one of them could sleep, so he was hoping to get MacGyver to actually eat. The sandwiches were something his mother used to make them when they were kids. If hunger couldn't get him to eat, maybe nostalgia could.

There was a light knock on the door before Riley walked in. She started knocking after she had nearly given both he and Mac a heart attack when she arrived unexpectedly one night. She looked as exhausted as Bozer felt. He raised an eyebrow in question, though he already knew the answer by the tears in her eyes and the go-bag in her hand. Still, his worry climbed when she shook her head.

Sighing, he looked down at the "meal" he was preparing. They'd leave in the morning. He didn't know where they were going–_especially_ if _Riley_ couldn't find him, but he knew he couldn't hold MacGyver off any longer to heal. He wasn't healing; not where he needed to most. Their bags were already packed, but Bozer made a mental note to add clean bandages.

Placing the sandwiches on a plate, he started for the deck.

"H–he's all right...isn't he?" Riley asked softly, fear adding a tremor to her words.

Bozer's steps hesitated, as did his answer, before he turned back to her and said as smooth and confidently as he could, "Jack's always okay." For a moment he believed it, too. "Probably just didn't have time to let anyone know he had to go dark."

"And Mac?"

His gaze fell. When Matty told them that Jack's team had dropped off the radar; already in a taxed state and on forced lab duty MacGyver had spiraled. He had stopped eating and sleeping completely and had shifted his focus from finding Mason, to finding Jack–and this was after just being shot. With nothing to go on and MacGyver's health seriously at risk, Matty had grounded him from the Phoenix for the rest of the week...if not longer.

It didn't matter, they wouldn't be back. Not without Jack. "He'll be okay once Jack gets home. You'll see. We all will."

He then turned and walked way, hoping she couldn't see the uncertainty he carried in his heart like a brick.

~*~M~*~

Bozer set the sandwiches on the table. Staring at his...project, MacGyver didn't even glance at them. Bozer could practically see the hamster Jack always spoke of spinning the wheel in his brain. But the hamster was exhausted and the wheel was spinning _it_ more than the other way around. "They're still warm," he tried to entice as Riley placed three cold beers next to the plate.

MacGyver looked up at Riley expectantly. She shook her head. He deflated for a moment before recovering with a nod to himself. "We'll just start with the last place we knew he was."

"Flights are already booked."

They were going alone; without the Phoenix, or even Desi for backup.

"Are we really doing this?" Bozer couldn't help but ask. "I mean, I'm all for running off blindly in search of Jack. I am. But we're not telling anyone? What if _we_ need rescued?"

"I set up a data packet to be delivered automatically to Matty and Desi if I don't enter a code every five hours. It will include my phone's last GPS ping."

Bozer raised his eyebrows, impressed. "Oh."

"It could be a trap," MacGyver warned softly, not looking at either of them. "It could be Mason."

"We're aware of the risks, Mac. You're not going without us."

"What she said." Bozer hitched a thumb in Riley's direction. "Besides, who else is going to remind you to eat and sleep, since you _clearly_ can't remember to do so yourself anymore." He nudged the sandwiches towards him.

MacGyver looked so...defeated. "Sorry, I'm just..." he exhaled, "I'm just really not hungry, Boze."

Bozer frowned. It wasn't something he didn't already know. Still, he hated to hear it. And it wasn't like he could force-feed him. At least he was drinking some of the shakes he made for him; packed with protein and vitamins. As Jack would say; it wasn't much, but it wasn't nothin' either.

"Mac..." Riley began softly, "listen, I know this is a stupid question...but, are you all right?"

He looked like he was vibrating; as if he had already shattered into a million pieces, but his will alone was holding those pieces together. There used to be a spark in his eyes. It had faded away even before Charlie was killed, though. Bozer had noticed it getting smaller and smaller the longer Jack was gone, until he couldn't find it anymore. And now, now there were only tears there; tears he refused to let fall.

He didn't say much these days and after the news about Jack, he had closed up even more. He says nothing even when Bozer updates him on his dad. He still couldn't bring himself to talk to him, but he had Bozer check on the progress of his treatments; of which there has been very little.

Bozer couldn't imagine how torn he must be, or how chaotic and disjointed his thoughts must be in that big, sleep-deprived head. He needed something to ground him, to still and make sense of everything going on inside. What he needed was the biggest, dopiest paperclip of all. What he needed was Jack.

"You look horrible, Mac, when's the last time you slept?" Riley pressed when he didn't answer her.

MacGyver dug his fingers into his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut. "I, uh–I just need to finish this, then I'll sleep before we leave."

As if. Bozer wasn't completely confident MacGyver even knew what he was working on. "Come on, man, talk to us."

"What do you want me to say?" He tossed his knife onto the table. "That...that I'm tired of people I love getting hurt." He pressed a palm against his chest. "That I'm tired of people like Mason and Murdoc and the Ghost. That I'm...that I'm tired of people dying because of me."

In all the years he's known him, Bozer had never seen him so utterly gutted. "Mac, no, that's–"

"I wasn't good enough to save Charlie. I'm not smart enough to save my dad." He pushed the contraption he was working on across the table. Only then did Bozer realize that he might see something like it in a lab; a medical one.

"Mac–" Riley objected this time.

"And it's...it's probably too late, and I can't..." He swallowed hard, looking everywhere but at them. "I can't even..." His fingers were pressing viciously against his heart now.

"Hey, for all we know, Jack is _fine_," Bozer was quick to remind him, to remind everyone. But his vision was blurry and he was suddenly aware of an awful ache in his own chest. He couldn't imagine what they'd do if Jack were truly gone.

"I, uh–" Pinching the bridge of his nose, MacGyver squeezed his eyes shut. He was barely holding it together; the pieces were shimmering, shaking, ready to fall. Suddenly pushing himself up from the table, he hurried down the steps and inside. He didn't say a word, but everything about him was screaming; screaming with grief, with hopelessness.

Screaming with the unbearableness of it all.

Riley moved to follow, but Bozer brushed his hand across her wrist. She looked back at him with big brown eyes that were bright with the very thing they'd all been drowning in for weeks now: helplessness. "What are we going to do?"

Bozer shook his head. He wished he knew.

"I hate seeing him like this."

"Yeah, me too," he sighed, eyes fixed on the steps his best friend had retreated down. "After Mac got back from his tour, I realized there were just some pains that he wouldn't let me near. But he would Jack. And with him gone...it's like he's curled back up into himself without Jack here to constantly untangle him."

Frowning, Riley crossed her arms and walked over to the fire pit. She nodded as her gaze shifted from it, to memory. "Jack has this ability to...I don't know," she sighed and shifted on her feet as she struggled to find the words, "make this big, chaotic world and all of your problems seem somehow...smaller...less sharp. He can't always fix everything, and not for lack of trying, but somehow his presence just makes everything more...bearable, ya know?"

Bozer's throat was so tight, he had trouble getting the truth out. "Yeah."

"With everything that's happened, and with him being gone these past few months. It–" Her words cut off as a wave of emotion washed over her. "It just...it feels like..."

"It's hard to breathe."

Exhaling, she closed her eyes and a tear slipped free. "Yeah."

Wrapping an arm around her, Bozer pulled her in against his side. "We'll get through this. We will. In fact, I bet you we find Jack hold up in some cave in the middle of nowhere...probably with a bunch of goats."

Riley chuckled and returned the embrace.

"He'll probably name them after us," Bozer mused softly. "I better be cute."

Riley laughed, but it was cut short by a loud crash from inside the house. With a quick look at each other, they ran across the deck and down the stairs. At first, they only saw MacGyver standing at the kitchen island, broken glass at his feet. He was staring down the hallway, chest heaving as if he'd just gotten back from a run and visibly trembling.

"Mac?" Thinking it was a flashback, or worse, Bozer started for his side...but then he saw him at the same time Riley gasped behind him.

Jack.

_Jack._

He was approaching MacGyver slowly, as if he were a skittish, wounded animal. Sitting down his duffle, he glanced at them briefly–face bruised and brow bandaged, before turning back to the center of their concern. "Hey, bud," he called softly, tears bright in his eyes. "You gonna stand there all day, or–"

MacGyver was already moving. In three long strides he closed the distance between them and crashed into Jack so hard he was knocked back a step. Clenching his jaw, Jack returned the fierce embrace as MacGyver buried his face in his shoulder.

"Hey, come on, now," Jack joked weakly, voice thick. "I wasn't gone that long." There was a look in his eyes; a knowing one, an anguished one. He knew exactly what MacGyver was going through, and exactly what he was going to find when he got home.

MacGyver's fists dug into his shirt a little more as he finally let everything he'd been holding in go. As he finally let himself fall apart; knowing that Jack would never let anything happen to the pieces.

"Hey, sshh," Jack rubbed a hand down his back. "I'm here, brother. I'm here."

MacGyver didn't say a word. He just buried his face in his shield, heaving deep breaths of loosed emotions. So much had happened. So much without his center grounding him, protecting him...even from himself.

Bozer wiped at his wet face as Riley moved to join them, her own tears running freely. "Hey, sweetheart." Jack kissed the top of her head and pulled her into his embrace–never letting go of Mac. She buried her face in his other shoulder and wrapped an arm around MacGyver.

Bozer stepped closer, but hesitated.

"Come on, Boze, bring it in."

He found himself shaking his head. "First...first I gotta tell you something."

Jack raised an eyebrow, all ears.

"It's just that...you are never, _ever_ allowed to leave us again." He meant it as a joke, but damn if he wasn't serious.

Jack looked like he was about to say something, but was too choked up to do so. Looking down at his arms full, a tear slipped free and slid over the bruises of his battered face. Nodding, he sniffled and pulled his "kids" in closer. No one was letting go anytime soon. "Not even wild horses, Boze. Not even wild horses."

Bozer's shoulders dropped with relief.

"Now get over here, will ya?"

He didn't have to be told again.

"_When you feel the world is crashing all around your feet, come running headlong into my arms, breathless."_

_-Better than Ezra/Taylor Swift_

8


End file.
